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| I've just spent hours chasing after a ghost. I guess I found what I was looking for. The reason I feel unsure is because instead of feeling elation, all that surrounds me is confusion. I could wind up risking the strong person, well semi-strong anyway, person I've become and delve into a world of insecurity and vulnerability. You see, I've found the address of where Steven, my brother resides. Over 4 years ago, my brother decided to stop communication between him and the family, the entire family. Now, I believe he does talk to the people who he shouldn't care about and has omitted the ones who really care from his daily thoughts. Atleast, this is what I have come to believe. I suppose I should stop. Ghosts aren't worth the time for chasing. Looking towards the future seems a more intellectual and sane approach to life. However, I've never been able to utilize that system. The past has always haunted me. Now that I've found a pathway into the world of what has been, maybe I could relinquish the feeling of wanting a life I didn't have. If he doesn't reject me, I should be elated and welcome him with open arms. Of course, I have my questions. One day, I will have to inquire as to why he performed such an act. If I did right away though, I wouldn't have any chance of reviving our relationship. However, there is another possible result to my writing to my brother. He could reject me once more. I don't know if I could handle another rejection to be perfectly honest. It's another case of damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't try to get in contact with my brother, it could be the last chance I have. I could be throwing away a perfectly good relationship with a sibling, a friendship of the highest caliber. I could be throwing away the chance of becoming a family once more. On the other hand, if I do contact him, there's no guarantee that he'll write back. There's also no guarantee that if he does, he will continue the correspondence. What is a person to do in this situation? | | |
| Sometimes I feel as if I'm going to throw up. Sometimes I actually want it to happen, purge all my unnecessary thoughts and feelings from my pathetic body. Sometimes, I want to cry or shout, maybe throw a tantrum or two. Sometimes I do these things. But at other times, I don't. Maybe it's wrong to keep things bottled in, but maybe it's just a way of being proper, of keeping my privacy. What is so wrong about that? I am a reserved person. It is the way I have been taught and the way I will always follow. I don't even know why I'm rambling about my reservedness. It's not important. What's important is that I listen to my dream and learn to be myself. Because after I do, the rest will all fall into place. | | |
| What a summer! It was amazing. I went to Disney World, went on a cruise, drank champagne, and played a little golf! It was the kind of summer you just dream about, never actually happens. But it happened to me! I never found G. What can you do? Can't have everything. Oh, for those of you who don't know, G was supposed to be the guy I was to fall in love with. It was predicted by a very special person and even though it didn't come true, she's still one of my favorite people. I got to moo on stage and make a total fool of myself. I got to pet my favorite sea creature, the sting ray. I got to hold a baby tiger in my arms. This summer was pretty special. I never met Goofy, but I went on Splash Mountain and that was good enough for me. So, would I want a summer like this agian? Absolutely! Will it happen again? Probably not. I don't think Andrea and I could relive the excitement of opening our first bottle of pink champagne again. I don't think we could ever hear the soft music and bad jokes of Dan Hodge. We could never be Tanya and Tobie while trying to figure out the murder of the captain. No, these things can never be done once more, but to have the chance to do them is something I will never forget. Yeah, this summer was pretty special. Almost drowning at Disney...that was a story that will be told for ages. Along with Hector's fear of non-existent sharks. But apart from all that excitement, we had some interesting times at school as well...the moving of the library, the black out for a week, the death on campus. We've laughed, we've cried, we've experienced everything and more this summer. It's been one hell of a ride. But like all good roller coasters and log flumes, the ride must come to an end. So, the only thing to do is jump on another and enjoy the difference and the unpredictability it brings. Because no matter how predictable a person you are, and I'm pretty darn predictable, there's always the element of surprise waiting just around the riverbend (my favorite disney song btw). Bye all! | | |
| So, now I'm a weekend-jobless person. I have done it, quit Filene's, the job that once was everything to me. It was a tearful good-bye, but had to be done. As the classic phrase states, it was for the best. It was for the best. I was overcome with exhaustion and stress. Now, I will have time to sleep and spend time with my family. It's a good thing. I know it is. | | |
| So, last night I had this revelation. It only lasted about two hours, because when you thought about it, it was perfectly ridiculous. I imagined myself dropping out of school, not because I don't like it, but because I want to spend more time with my family. So, I considered dropping out and just living at home for the rest of my life, just cooking and cleaning like a housewife only taking care of my family instead of my husband. It sounded like the perfect idea for a little while for I miss them all terribly. I venture out every weekend to see them, but work most of the time. My grandfather and I it seems are always on the brink of tears when forced to part even though we were never that close to begin with. It sounded like a perfectly amiable plan, but realized it was just another fantasy in which I'm held in the highest regard and am looked on as a saint. That I will not have. I will not have anyone calling me or treating me as a saintly creature for I am not so. And cooking and cleaning, what a mess that would be for me to partake in. I'd probably wind up sitting on my couch watching tv all day forgetting all about the promise I made. I just want something more from life. I want happiness. I guess right now I have to get comfort and support from heroines in novels. That I must say is a rather large mistake seeing that they lived in past times when everything seemed more simple. You've heard me say that I'd like to be Virginia Woolf only without the suicidal notions and manic depressive state. Well, now I have found myself locked into the great world of Miss Josephine March of Little Women. I can't be her either I'm afraid. See, this is where I find fault for I cannot grasp the great heroism of these characters. I shall always remain a dreamer rather than a seeker. No, I take that back. One day, I will go to someplace splendid, get my feet wet, and enjoy all the world has to offer. Until then, however, I am stuck in a limbo between the worlds of fantasy and reality. Til next time. Adieu. | | |
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